Mutant and proud

 Mystique of the X-Men universe is a bad ass. I am usually not a villain person but I just love her specifically the Rebecca Romijn version. I identified a lot with her. Leave it to me to identify with a shape shifting murderess

You know, people like you are the reason I was afraid to go to school as a child.

I hated taking the bus as a kid and begged my mom to drive me to school whenever she could. The bus ride was 20 minutes of torture. A bully once put gum in my hair and another punched me but the worst memory I have of that bus was when a group of bullies tried to rip my clothes off. Even now I hate being on school buses. I feel both exposed and unsafe. 

I'm not sure what annoyed bullies so much about me. I have always been a smart mouth and a know it all but no matter how adults can justify the behaviour of kids, having a bunch of douchebag teenage boys treat me like I was subhuman goes beyond cruel. 

Even now I feel a bit weird in my skin sometimes. I'm a pale urban Native and when I used to go home after the first time I moved away, people would criticize me for "acting white". In the city, my Native-ness makes me an object of curiosity and people treat me like I'm the representative of my culture. I feel like I have a mask for the reserve, a mask for work, a mask for who I am with friends, and a mask for when I'm dealing with racism in the city. 

My love of Mystique is because of her shape-shifting. Who wouldn't want to be skinnier, dark skinned, light skinned, blonde, blue-eyed, or whatever society thinks is acceptable. But I feel like I would be pieces of what was acceptable. I'm too pale for a Native, I'm too "foreign-looking" to be white, I'm too tall for a woman, my hair is too short to be pretty. 

Despite her being a villain, I think she was sent down that path for the bullying, the criticism and the hatred she faced. Even though I wouldn't follow the same path, I feel like her and I have a similar belief about being proud of who we are despite the criticism.

Nightcrawler: They say you can imitate anybody, even their voice. 

Mystique: *in Nightcrawler's voice* Even their voice.

Nightcrawler: Then why not stay in disguise all the time? You know, look like everyone else. 

 Mystique: Because we shouldn't have to. 

 I've always wanted to cosplay as Mystique but I wasn't about to put on a body suit to do it. Finally, I decided I was going to go as Mystique turning into me. With my newly bleached hair, I dyed a bit of my hair shocking red and got my face painted blue. I also put a yellow contact into one eye. 

What I wore to today's events at the C4 Con.

I really liked the way it worked out and I was glad to do only a small part of my face. I don't think the real Mystique would appreciate hiding who you really are even if you were pretending to be her.

I think I might be brave enough to do a body suit....one day.

What is old is new again

I went to see the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie a few days ago because I had the Scene points to get a free D-Box ticket and popcorn to boot. I also have a soft spot for TMNT no matter how terrible the subject matter.

Donatello is my favourite. Always a soft spot for an intelligent man.

I headed over to the theatre after work and saw an earlier presentation and there were loads of kids in the audience. I was also surprised to see so many little girls.

The only time I ever felt lonely as a child was when I didn't have friends who were into the same things I was. Being a nerdy Native little girl in the middle of nowhere meant I read a lot, played a lot of video games, and watched a lot of TV. And I fell in love with a lot of things: Power Rangers, TMNT, Super Mario, and Legend of Zelda.

When I moved to the city, I became friends with a lot of nerds and spent a lot of time online meeting more. I was surprised to see how possessive other nerds were about the things they loved. The only thing I ever really felt possessive over was Hawksley Workman and it was only because I wanted him to stay weird and awesome and just for me! I couldn't imagine being possessive of something like Power Rangers or TMNT so it's always strange to see 30-year-old dudes on Twitter complaining about kids being into things they digged when they were kids.

I was talking to my sister's boyfriend about it (As he is a huge Transformers fan) and I asked him what he thought about nerds being possessive of things like Transformers, TMNT, and the like. He said that it tends to be wanting to see your favourite thing grow with you.

"Is the big ugly one shooting laser beams into the crib!?

In some ways I think that's true. I like when my favourite properties grow and create newer and stronger stories. I love how the Super Mario games went from the simple "Your princess is in another castle" to the absolutely heartbreaking story that made up most of Super Mario Galaxy.  I like how Majora's Mask makes more sense to me now as an adult than it did when I first played it at the age of 12. I also like how the Batman films have grown with me. Batman 89 being the film of my childhood and Dark Knight being the film of my adulthood.

But I like when properties create new stories but have shout outs to the old fans. I liked how the first Transformers brought back the majority of the voices for characters that 80s kids grew up with. I loved the cute little shout outs to the original games when I played Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door.

Bowser was so precious in this

I still don't understand hating new fans though. It usually seems related to media that is usually targeted to young men and boys. "Girls aren't into that sort of thing", etc. However, I think it's cool as hell to see little girls getting into something that was the domain of men. Yeah, love Barbies but don't feel like you can't like something because you're a girl.  I am not completely innocent though as I don't like to share. I once saw a guy I disliked dressed as the Terrance Stamp version of General Zod and I wanted to beat him up and take his lunch money.

But I could never hate on a kid being into something I love. My friend Devon's son was asking me how to play Luigi's Mansion when we both got the game for Christmas last year. I was happy to help him figure out how to use that vacuum. I got into a fun argument with a kid during the midnight showing of the first Hobbit when we were saying who had waited the longest for the movie. (Him: WELL YOU'RE OLDER THAN ME). I also loved seeing so many little girls checking out the new Turtles movie.

Little kids being into the things I love means they're always going to be around. I'll be 80 taking a grandchild to see another reboot of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. They'll always be teens to me. 

Don't call me 'Junior'!

 

-I can remember the last time we had a drink together. I had a milkshake. but, we didn't talk, we've never talked. Only if you were a regular dad just like the other boy's dad, this would be different. 

-I was a wonderful father. Did I ever tell you to eat up, go to bed, wash your ears, do your homework? No, I respected your privacy and I taught you self reliance. 

After going through my past blog posts, I noticed that I talked a lot about my dad and my sister but not so much about my mom. My mom and I are quite similar: we're both determined, we're both intelligent, and we're both the incredibly spoiled first born children of our parents. So we would yell at each other a lot as you always dislike personality traits of yourself when you see them in others. Because she yelled at me a lot more than she did my sister, I assumed she didn't like me. As a child, I assumed that she and I weren't close at all as we didn't have the sort of relationship I had with my Dad. 

Though my dad was free and loose with his affection towards me and always being supportive, my mother was very reserved with her affection. 

I apparently look scarily a lot like her.

My mom believes in me but she wanted me to be able to go it alone if I had to. She was the safe point from which I could explore the world. When I had to present a poem I wrote to a huge audience at my school's assembly, my mom sat in the front row. As I motored through that 10 line poem, I finished and ran into the arms of my mom who just smiled and held me, knowing how nervous I was. When she was affectionate, it mattered to me. And she never doubted me. When I was worried that I'd never get into law school and later found out I got into 3 of the 5 I applied to, she laughed and said, "Was there ever any doubt?" 

However, my mom, not my dad, was the planter of the seeds for my love of films. All of my childhood favourites were put into our VCR by her. While my dad wanted me to watch movies like  A Little Mermaid, my mom would let me watch Batman, Who Framed Roger Rabbit, and all the Indiana Jones movies. The latter being the reason I got so interested in traveling (though I never really went anywhere until I was 16 and even then that was only to Vancouver).

My mother is also the only parent I have that understands my depression because she has gone through it too. As a teen, she went through the same difficult time I did. She told me recently that thoughts like that never really go away. It's always been a fear of mine that I will never get better. Robin Williams' death just unsettled me because he was 60 and couldn't beat it his shadows. I'm almost 30 and feel so tired thinking of another 50 or so years fighting mine.

I look at my mother though and see the strength she needs to deal with her trips to dialysis. Her strength to deal with an affliction that makes walking difficult. The strength to be tired all the time but still do what she needs to do. My mom has survived on nothing but her own determination and I look to her to see the kind of person I want to be. I want to be as strong as her.

-----

You left, just as you were becoming interesting. 

-----

I think my moving away from home was what brought my mother and I closer together. With the distance, we annoy each other less and enjoy each other's company more. Our relationship is never going to be the stereotypical mother and daughter thing but I like the way we are. We're like Drs Henry Jones Sr and Jr with me as the Indiana. Our relationship is better as a heartfelt action adventure than a sappy drama.

-They're trying to kill us!
-I KNOW, DAD

The Girlhood Dream

Ms. Vida seems to think that I don't have a dream. Well, honey, I'm not Martin Luther King. I don't need a dream. I have a plan.

Noxemma Jackson, To Wong Foo

I met my friend Tyler in acting class. At first, I didn't like him because I thought he was a bit of a ham. One day, I wore my CM Punk shirt to class. I only wear really nondescript wrestling shirts as the really obvious ones are ugly (and rarely come in a ladies' size anyway) so I was really surprised when Tyler complimented me on my shirt and we started our friendship over our love for wrestling.

If finding an awesome ladies size wrestling shirt is hard, finding a friend who likes pro wrestling as an art is even harder. Our conversations on Wade Barrett and Damien Sandow also included conversations about Nigel McGuinness and Colt Cabana and we could talk about the fun and the technical sides. 

When Tyler asked me if I thought he could be a wrestler, I told him the truth. It's hard. I wanted to be a wrestler but it's such a long way to get to the point where you "succeed". For me, I didn't look like a stereotypical female fit model slash actress slash wrestler. For Tyler, he didn't look like the steroid freak mastodons that the Vince McMahons of the world love.

But he didn't let that stop him. He went to Storm Academy in Calgary and trained and I supported him as much as I could. He was doing something I always wanted to do but felt so beaten before I even began.

Tonight I went to check out a local wrestling event as I really, really wanted to hit on Colt Cabana (shut up) and I was really surprised to see Tyler come out during the battle royale match. I cheered like an idiot and cheered even harder when he executed a freakin' beautiful hurricarana. During the intermission, I went to hug him and was just so proud to see him wrestling FOR REAL. 

Dreams are easy to have but actually going for them isn't. There are a lot of hurdles. Most of my hurdles were things that made me tired before I even started. The scornful looks I got when I amateur wrestled as a kid and the realization that there are barely any female main events in the WWE. I am sad I didn't say "fuck it" and go anyway. But I don't regret where my path has led me towards another dream. I just wish I had been as strong as Tyler to at least try. 

When Tyler had his second match, he and I had an epic high five as he circled the ring to slap the hands of the crowd that reached out. Seeing Tyler in the ring, even if it wasn't WWE, inspired me to dream big and just go for it. I aim to be as big as Tarantino, to make art, to do everything and anything I can. My fear may have ended one dream but the inspiration from Tyler made me realize I didn't want it to end another.

This is awesome! *Clap, clap, clap, clap*

I want you to know that you don't need me anymore

 This song is about letting go of someone you don't want to let go of.

Grief is so bittersweet to me. It's so amazing to me that you can love somebody so much that their loss leaves a mark on you forever.

It's been 10 years since my grandmother's death but I can still feel a hole in my soul that echoes inside every so often. Though I got so annoyed that her constant attempts to control my life, you don't forget someone like her. My grandma with her wrinkled hands covered in flour, her black and white hair, and her laugh. I see a lot of her in my sister and every time my sister does something that reminds me of our grandmother, it's like she's still here.

One of my friends is currently dealing with her own grandmother's illness and I told her that there's never enough time and even when you're expecting it, the end is always too soon. I was reminded of one of my favourite quotes from The Lord of the Rings:

'I wish it need not have happened in my time,' said Frodo.
'So do I,' said Gandalf, 'and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.'

Fear is not going to stop our loved ones from leaving us. However deciding to just enjoy the time we do have helps make things easier in the end. I have so many good memories of my grandmother and it's what I hold in my heart. I'm glad for every moment I had with her and for her love that still affects me.

kisâkihitin nôhkom (even though you'd totally hate me for speaking Cree)

I've got you under my skin.

At dinner before the tattoo appointment, my sister kept punching me in the arm randomly. "What the hell?!" I asked.

"Just preparing your arm for the appointment." She said helpfully and punched me again.

In December, I met with Bram at Rebel Waltz tattoo after my friend Andee recommended him to me. After realizing his style suited what I wanted for my tattoo, I put down a 50 dollar deposit just to prove to myself that I was going to do it. The appointment was set for January 14th.

For the next few weeks, I went from extremely excited about finally finding a design I liked to becoming extremely horrified that I was going to have something on my arm until after I started to decompose. My sister was certain I was going to chicken out. My mom was worried that it was going to look ugly. My dad was like, "Do what you want, my girl!"

I've always wanted a tattoo but I weigh the pros and cons of everything. However, I knew that the tattoo was something I wanted and I hadn't been so sure of something in a long time. The plan was going to get 5 crows going from the halfway point of my left bicep up my shoulder and onto my chest. In the days leading up to the 14th, whenever I'd get nervous, I'd lift the sleeve of my t-shirt to look at my bare arm and think about how cool Bram's work was going to look once it was on.

I was 75% ready, 25% nervous. But, as I left a deposit, I knew someone was going to get a tattoo either Bram or me.

On the day, Bram created a stencil and put it on my arm while I nervously jittered about. He started up the extremely loud and dentist-ry like tattoo machine and I held my sister's hand. My sister's eyes seem to say, "Last chance". Bram dipped the needle into the ink and the buzz started.

And I was ok. When it started, I felt relief. I was finally getting my tattoo after living in the "should I/shouldn't I" fog for a long time. And it didn't even hurt.

That was until Bram got to crow 4 at the top of my shoulder and the way he pulled on the skin and the way the needle cut, I felt like he was slitting my throat. I had told him I wasn't sure about crow 5 (the one on my chest) when he put the stencil on so when he finished 4, he asked if I wanted 5. After unclenching my teeth after the pain of 4, I said, "Nah, let's just end there".

My sister looked at it from her seat at the other side of the table I was lying on and said, "It's so nice! It almost makes me want to get one.....almost". 

I bled like a crazy person and my white tank top on the left side was spotted in blood and black ink. Bram gestured me to the huge mirror in his studio and I stood up and checked it out. Love at first sight.

*Poke* Ow! Quit it!

The days that followed were PAINFUL. I felt like I had the skin peeled back from my shoulder but not even the pain would stop me from checking out the healing progress and just marveling at the beauty of it all. I also had to dodge my sister and mom from poking me in the arm as it healed.

It's healed beautifully and the worries I had of regretting were for naught.

I can't wait for bare arm season

The tattoo is a sort of tribute to my grandma. My grandma had a pet wild crow that she fed on her deck that she tried to bring into the house one day. The crow didn't want to live in her house so it bit her. My grandma chased it off and stopped leaving bannock out for it. I felt like that crow during my childhood. I also feel that stopping at 4 was sort of meant to be and it feels like it could represent my dad, my mom, my sister and I.

It has a mishmash of meanings to me. However I decided on it because it just looked damned beautiful.

I really want to get another one but I think I'll wait until after I forget the pain of crow 4.

When you gonna make up your mind

Being a wrestling fan isn't easy. You've got folks on your ass about liking a "fake" sport and all the homoerotic bits.

Add on being a female wrestling fan and things are even more sucky. You're told you're only into wrestling for the hot guys and don't know shit about anything when it comes to wrestling.

Trust me, I wasn't in it for the hot guys. Back when my grandfather and dad got me into wrestling, wrestlers looked like this:

Oh, baby, take me, I'm yours.

I go in and out of my interest in wrestling but I have a massive soft spot for it. 

It's why I lost my mind when I found out Mick Foley was doing a speaking show in my city. Mick has always been one of my favourites. Back in the late 90s, Mankind scared the hell out of me so, of course, I loved watching to see what other scary things he'd do. 

After reading Mick's first book Have A Nice Day I really thought he was brilliant. It was nice to see him succeed despite being told repeatedly that he'd never do so because he didn't look "the part". Since being a wrestling fan usually means you're put down a lot about it, I (and many other fans) could relate to his struggles. I also really loved that he is a feminist. Considering that pro wrestling isn't exactly known for its pro-women stance (amongst the wrestlers or with fans), having a wrestler tell his audience that maybe a woman should get a chance to ask a question (which Mick did at the WWE panel when I was at SDCC) is a pretty big deal. 

And he's just a nice guy really. At the WWE signing at Comic Con, my sister was heartbroken that she'd have to choose being going to a panel for her favourite TV show or going to a Mick signing that I decided to go get her autograph. I ran up to Mick during the signing and handed him a note book turned to a page with "Hi Kerri" written on it in a word bubble. I quickly told him that my sister loved him but couldn't make it to the signing but would he be so kind to take a picture for me holding the sign so I could give it to her.

His body guard was about to push me off but Mick said, "No, no, it's ok! Do you have a camera?" 

My sister nearly wet her pants

My sister was excited to meet Mick this evening to get him to sign the Comic Con picture. I was excited to shake his hand and tell him I really appreciated all the good work he does for organizations like RAINN in the US and for victims of war rape in Sierra Leone. As we got on stage at the Park Theatre and got our chance to talk to Mick, he smiled brightly at me and commented on my Cyndi Lauper shirt that reads "GIRLS JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN" saying it was cute. I shook his hand and he asked how I spelled my name. As I shook his hand again and he handed me my autograph, I told him that I really appreciated all the work he does for women who have gone through such tragedy and I wish more men were like him. He smiled and thanked me.

I didn't tell him but I am a survivor of sexual assault. The first thing you want to do about it is hide the fact that it ever happened. It's so hard to talk about it and so many people want to ignore that it even happens. 1 in 3 women are survivors of sexual violence. Every time I tell my story to a friend, they more often than not tell me they went through something similar. For a long time I felt that every man that I ran into would hurt me and that I always had to be on my guard. When you are growing up, the incentive is on you to protect yourself because "guys can't control themselves". What does this say about men? Women have to take the procautions because men can't control themselves? This thought process hurts both men and women. Men are mindless animals while women only have themselves to blame if they're raped. I think it's important that men and boys are involved in the prevention of sexual assaults.

As Mick himself has said, he's "hopeful that if he can spread the message that 'this thing that you think of as a drunken exploit that you might brag to your friends about is shattering a life and the lives of people around [the survivor],' then maybe men will listen. 'Everyone knows a survivor, whether you [are aware of it] or not, and I'm hoping that others, both unlikely figures and likely figures, will join the cause.'" (Source)

"It doesn’t seem like a pro-wrestler would be able to lend much when it comes to a campaign against sexual violence, but for some reason I kept telling myself that it made perfect sense."

Maybe some dudes in the wrestling fandom will see Mick's tweets about RAINN and get interested. Maybe they won't. However it's nice knowing that there are men like Mick supporting the cause. I really wish there were more guys like him. Knowing that there are makes me less afraid that I'm going to be hurt in those moments where I don't have my guard up. 

Plus his book made me discover the awesomeness that is "Winter" by Tori Amos. 

 

I'll start the chant: Thank you, Mick.