Friday, January 29, 2016

Your Face Like Snow

As I was approaching thirty, my good friend and companion Sage warned me of my impending need to settle. I narrowed my eyes.

My fair city is going through a massive babe drought and finding a suitable gnetleman or lady is a trying task for a lazy person like me. I've been on a few dates in the last few months and the majority have been with men still pining for their exes. In addition to that problem, Okcupid and Tinder contnue to be wretched hives of scum and villainy. And whenever I complain to either my sister or Sage about these dates with guys who tell me outright that they miss their ex, they tell me I should see where it goes.

In recent years I’ve found that I much prefer to be by myself. If it’s a choice between a second date with a dude who moped the whole time or a night by myself, I’ll go with the latter. Plus having been in an abusive relationship makes you realize that being alone isn’t all that bad.

One of the worst things that happened during my abusive relationship was how low my self esteem was brought down by it. Your self esteem is tied to your abuser during these relationships and it’s always kept at a lower level so you start to believe the lies the abuser is telling you. So, once I got out of that relationship, I wasn’t sure how I felt about myself. Luckily, I started to realize my own value and really begin liking the person I was.

I also met Bono during this time.

I’ve spoken about my massive u2 obsession in the past and the time I met three fourths of the band. I’ve also mentioned how awesome it was to speak to Bono. But I think that meeting was also a turning point in how I felt about myself and what I wanted out of someone else. It was because of this meeting that I started jokingly judging men on a scale of 1 to Bono.

At this time, I still felt that I wasn’t a person worthy of love. I liked myself but I didn’t feel like anyone else would, especially not someone I’d consider a potential romantic partner. Not that I would consider Bono a potential romantic partner, he’s like 4 feet shorter than me and wears platforms. But I digress.
The thing I remember the most about meeting Bono was how I felt when we were speaking. I spoke to him about seeing u2 in Australia, how much I loved the show, how I spent my 25th birthday there, whatever. And he listened like we were best friends catching up, keeping eye contact and chuckling at my various witty remarks. The best part was how he made me feel like I was the most precious thing in the world to him. And not in the romantic way, just in a way that made me feel like I mattered to him. It was bizarre but one of the best moments of my life so far. 

Please ignore my weird face. I was probably two seconds from crying the whole time.

And it’s not that I want to be the most important person in a romantic partner’s life. It just felt great to realize I wasn’t broken after the abuse. I was still worthy of being thought highly of, of being seen as precious to someone and that was what I needed then. I reckon Bono calls every girl "sweetheart" but he'll never know how much it mattered to me that I felt like I wasn't as unworthy as my abusive partner made me feel. And I mattered to Bono. So fuck that other guy.

Though I've chosen celibacy for the next little bit, I know my worth now. And I really want other people to know their worth too. I felt so bad when I saw this girl at the salon talking about her horrible sounding boyfriend treating her terribly. If my head wasn't shoved into a sink, I would have told her to kick him to the curb. I think sometimes feeling bad is better than feeling alone. I know how it feels to think you'll never be loved again. But "love" isn't worth it.

So know your worth and be with someone who knows it. Even if it's yourself for now.

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