To Boldly Go

As a kid, I was massively obsessed with Star Trek: The Next Generation. My whole life, I wanted to be an adventurer and that show fed my curiosity to see places others hadn't ever seen. On blizzardy nights when my dad would take our family for a ride around town, the snow flying past the windshield made me feel I was on the bridge of the Enterprise at warp. The show made me feel like I could be anything I wanted to be and I always loved it for that.

The only thing I hated about it was there weren't any Native people in Starfleet.

If I see myself on screen, then I know that I exist

Gabourey Sidibe

  

I've read numerous times of how other people of colour have been inspired by Trek into pursuing their dreams. It's why I was pissed when a former friend said Uhura was just a glorified telephone operator. As a child, I would have loved to see someone who looked like my mother as a Lieutenant or even a Captain on Star Trek. Not just because it would have been COOL AS HELL but it would have been awesome to have a role model in the sciences even if they were just a fictional character.

As of right now, I am still the only person in my family to get a university degree. I was the first to graduate high school. When I was kid, I taught myself to read and read everything I could get my hands on. My parents supported it but it was always sad to me when my dad couldn't help me with my homework because of his lack of education. When I first went to university, the fact that I had no one to learn from who had been there before was terrifying. Luckily, I met many Aboriginal women who were in the same boat as me and I made a lot of lifelong friends (Looking at you, Miranda, Anna, Angeline, and Randi) who I felt I could learn from. They also understand the subtleties of Native humour that many non Natives don't get.  

Even though I am no longer pursing the sciences, I still think it's an important subject. Yeah, it's cool that there's so many Native lawyers but there should be more doctors, physicists, and engineers. I used to work for a program that allowed children from reserves to explore various "career" options that involved showing them a day in the life of a doctor or an engineer and it was so cool to see them excited about designing a bridge or checking their friend's blood pressure.  I think a lot of us forget that the true essence of science is discovery and get distracted in high school by terrible teachers who made it horrible. I always loved physics but it is one of my weakness. I often wonder where I'd be if I had had a teacher that supported my curiosity on the subject rather than criticized me for a 63% on a final exam by sneering, "I thought you studied for this exam?" 

 Lastly, if there had been a Native person on Star Trek, it would have given me hope that we did make it to the future. I know, that sounds lame but hear me out. With a government effectively trying to wipe out our way of life and make it more "Canadian", it seems unlikely that our culture will survive without a massive campaign to maintain it. My Cree teacher told me that the Native languages most likely to survive into the next few decedes are Cree and Ojibway. With my sister and I unable to speak it fluently, I know that Cree is going to die out with my parents unless I put my mind to it and try to learn it. But when I think about stuff like this, I remember a quote from another sci fi show I came to like...

You lot, you spend all your time thinking about dying, like you're gonna get killed by eggs, or beef, or global warming, or asteroids. But you never take time to imagine the impossible. Like maybe you survive.  

The 9th Doctor, Doctor Who

I want to have a hand in maintaining my culture. I became a writer because I wanted to make sure that one day, there would be a Native character that a little Native girl could look up to. I became a director so I could make sure I had good parts for Native people. And I became an actor so I'd be ready to play the first Cree Starfleet Captain. 

Hey, we all have an impossible dream.

Turn Away No More

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world - not even our troubles.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/c/charlie_chaplin.html#tYLqhuYibAiBxoLs.9

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world - not even our troubles.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/c/charlie_chaplin.html#tYLqhuYibAiBxoLs.99

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world-not even our troubles. 

Charlie Chaplin. 

I've always liked how determined I am. The majority of what I've accomplished in life has been due to how stubborn I've been in my pursuit. It's why I have a hard time dealing with my depression.

It's the one thing I can't change just by convincing myself I'm going to. From the ages of 13-17, I was diagnosed with depression. I took medication and traveled 4 hours every week to see a counselor in order to deal with it. My depression manifested as being unable to sleep, feeling apathetic, feeling anxious over nothing, having intense crying fits, and angry outbursts. I also felt that I was observing my life from behind glass with the person living my life not caring about what I wanted. I was suicidal and would think of ways to end my life that would look accidental. It was a dark time and I still feel apologetic over how I mistreated my parents when I was at my worst.

At 17, I moved away to university and after a few months, I felt ready enough to stop taking the pills. A counselor told me when I was a teenager that my depression was the sort that would manifest all my life. For years after I stopped taking the pills, I was afraid I'd be needing them again.

Me at 16/17, thinking I was the definition of "cool". Not shown is the kilt I wore over jeans.

I understand being upset when things are going badly. It took me about a year to get over the worst of my mourning over the death of my grandparents. When my father had a heart attack, I would cry often during the days when we waited to see if he'd be ok.

I don't understand being upset for no reason. Late last year and early this year, I would go days without sleep whenever I had an assignment due even if I was prepared for it. I went to my finals in April with only a half hour of sleep, anxious the whole time that I'd faint in the middle of the exam. I would be overcome with intense bouts of rage where I'd lash out at family over nothing. And I became so apathetic that I thought about leaving school after I lost my focus and thought I didn't like film making any longer. Worst of all, I thought about hurting myself to get back at everyone who I had perceived had wronged me.

After the last thought appeared, I decided it was time to go back to the pills. But I was terrified of being weak, of admitting I needed help, and scared that the pills weren't going to have an effect. I always saw my depression as a weakness in myself because I couldn't deal with it on my own. I've pulled myself out of so many other things yet I felt so powerless over my depression because it wouldn't bend to my will. It kept me locked up inside my head while it screwed around with my life.
I was scared about needing the pills to help me deal with it but I hated how my depression took away my enjoyment of everything I cared about. I couldn't live not caring and so, despite my fear, I decided to talk to my doctor and get the medication I needed.

The doctor told me I'd start feeling the effects of the medication in about a month but I started feeling better almost immediately. Maybe it was the placebo effect but it was probably related to my decision to finally do something about the depression that had slowly been creeping its way back into my mind like ink in water. My depression sucks away my love of and amplifies the worst bits of my favourite things until I'm asking myself why I'm bothering with it if it is so horrible. The pills don't eliminate the symptoms entirely but, as my friend Bryan told me, they allow me to see things clearly when my depression tries to cloud my judgement.

Sometimes I'm still stuck in my teenaged mindset that this whole thing is going to haunt me forever and what's the point of anything. As an adult, I realize I can and have been happy even in the worst bits of my depression as a teenager. As a teen, I couldn't see anything happy in my future but now I know that things get better. They always do. There's always someone there to hug, someone there to say "Hi", someone to smile at me, to laugh with, cons to go to, places to see, music to hear. 

The good wouldn't be as awesome without the bad. And I know, eventually, I will deal with the bad.

"I could never love anyone as I love my sisters"

Subtitle:  
Yes, Dudes and Dudettes, major-league butt-kicking is back in town.

The only way I can explain what it's like to have a sister is to tell you to read "Little Women". The novel follows the lives of four sisters – Meg, Jo, Beth, and Amy March – detailing their passage from childhood to adulthood. I read it as a teenager when a friend described me as a Jo and I wasn't certain whether to take that as a compliment especially after this friend told me my sister and I were essentially Amy and Jo.

I could also tell you to watch "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" to sum up my sibling relationship. It's the story of 4 brothers fighting crime in the big city...who just happen to be mutated teenaged turtles. Whenever we'd play Turtles on the playground, I was Leonardo. My sister would be Michelangelo and would get mad when I told her she was more of a Raphael.

As far as I can tell, we aren't mutations.

TMNT and Little Women: Basically the same story.

I remember the day my sister was born. I was just about two and it was the summer. I ran out of the elevator and yelled for my mother who was in a hospital room with my sister in her arms. As I felt that everything my parents did was a gift to me, I presumed the baby was mine. I screamed "my baby" until I was allowed to hold her. There's a picture of this moment where I ham it up for the camera, while my sister is exhausted in my little tubby arms while my mom is cautiously behind us ready to grab my sister if I were to drop her.

There are very few pictures from our childhood where she and I are pictured separately. She being 20 months younger than me, we were always close (even when I didn't want to be). Whenever I'd try to sneak out of the house to play with my friends, my mom would catch me and yell out the kitchen window, "TAKE YOUR SISTER". On days with terrible weather, we were each other's best friend.

But sometimes that kid just rubs me the wrong way. I see her as hot headed and she sees me a selfish. She'd sit on my chest when we were kids until I tapped out. I used to hang onto her thumbs with both hands until she was yelling for our dad. We both remind each other of embarrassing stories from our childhood (which will be left in the vault of our family) and call each other horrible nicknames ("Creepella" is a favourite that we alternate use of).

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“…Jo loved a few persons very dearly and dreaded to have their affection lost or lessened in any way.” 

Little Women

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People made fun of me after my sister got her first real boyfriend and all I did was complain about him. How they went to Wal-Mart for some reason and just hung out. Their constant dates to Burger King. Him teaching her about cool shows like Regular Show.  I didn't want to admit that I resented the poor guy for taking up time I felt belonged to me when it came to my sister.

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He's dull as powder, Meg. Can't you at least marry someone amusing? 

Jo

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I finally revealed to her how I felt after we got into an argument about my assy behaviour around her boyfriend. After she poked fun at me for being jealous of her boyfriend, she told me we'd return to regular hanging out.

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Together, there is nothing your...minds cannot accomplish. Help each other, draw upon one another, and always remember the power that binds you. 

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 1990

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I still see my sister as the Amy March and Raphael to my Jo March and Leonardo. Both pairs have volatile relationships that cycle between extremes. However they are the closest siblings within their families and are prepared to do almost anything for the other. When Leo is about to be stabbed by the Shredder at the end of TMNT, it's Raph that throws his weapons away first to save Leo's life even though they had spent most of their time together earlier in the film at odds. When Amy falls through thin ice, Jo skates frantically to save her and walks home in her bloomers, giving whatever clothes she could to Amy to keep her warm. This was a few days after Amy burned Jo's manuscript (which she had been working on for years) and Jo told her mother that she'd never forgive her.

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I feel stronger with you close by

Beth

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When my relationship of four years ended in a catastrophic fashion that left me severely broken hearted, my sister took the next bus into the city to be with me and just let me cry for three days.  This was after I hadn't seen her for awhile due to how restrictive my relationship with my ex had been. Last year, when a doctor informed me that I would need an MRI to see if I had a brain tumour, the first person I wanted to see was my sister, who hugged me for half an hour while I freaked out.

I've never had fights like the fights I've had with my sister and we have even threatened to never talk to the other again after some of those fights. But it is the other who we seek out when we're upset or hurt (including just after the fights we have). I admire her and think she's gorgeous. She supports me in every crazy scheme I concoct and listens to me when I need someone to bounce ideas off of. When I was in Australia, I wished she had been there with me so we could see the sights together and I bet she felt the same way when she went to San Diego the first time.

Despite our Noel and Liam Gallagher-esque battles, my relationship with my sister is extremely important to me and I doubt I'd make such a big deal about stuff that involves her if I didn't care so much. After seeing my dad lose so much time with his own siblings due to family feuds and what not, I promised myself I wouldn't let it happen to my sister and I.

Besides, she's the only person who likes U2 as much as I do.