I want you to know that you don't need me anymore

 This song is about letting go of someone you don't want to let go of.

Grief is so bittersweet to me. It's so amazing to me that you can love somebody so much that their loss leaves a mark on you forever.

It's been 10 years since my grandmother's death but I can still feel a hole in my soul that echoes inside every so often. Though I got so annoyed that her constant attempts to control my life, you don't forget someone like her. My grandma with her wrinkled hands covered in flour, her black and white hair, and her laugh. I see a lot of her in my sister and every time my sister does something that reminds me of our grandmother, it's like she's still here.

One of my friends is currently dealing with her own grandmother's illness and I told her that there's never enough time and even when you're expecting it, the end is always too soon. I was reminded of one of my favourite quotes from The Lord of the Rings:

'I wish it need not have happened in my time,' said Frodo.
'So do I,' said Gandalf, 'and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.'

Fear is not going to stop our loved ones from leaving us. However deciding to just enjoy the time we do have helps make things easier in the end. I have so many good memories of my grandmother and it's what I hold in my heart. I'm glad for every moment I had with her and for her love that still affects me.

kisâkihitin nôhkom (even though you'd totally hate me for speaking Cree)

I've got you under my skin.

At dinner before the tattoo appointment, my sister kept punching me in the arm randomly. "What the hell?!" I asked.

"Just preparing your arm for the appointment." She said helpfully and punched me again.

In December, I met with Bram at Rebel Waltz tattoo after my friend Andee recommended him to me. After realizing his style suited what I wanted for my tattoo, I put down a 50 dollar deposit just to prove to myself that I was going to do it. The appointment was set for January 14th.

For the next few weeks, I went from extremely excited about finally finding a design I liked to becoming extremely horrified that I was going to have something on my arm until after I started to decompose. My sister was certain I was going to chicken out. My mom was worried that it was going to look ugly. My dad was like, "Do what you want, my girl!"

I've always wanted a tattoo but I weigh the pros and cons of everything. However, I knew that the tattoo was something I wanted and I hadn't been so sure of something in a long time. The plan was going to get 5 crows going from the halfway point of my left bicep up my shoulder and onto my chest. In the days leading up to the 14th, whenever I'd get nervous, I'd lift the sleeve of my t-shirt to look at my bare arm and think about how cool Bram's work was going to look once it was on.

I was 75% ready, 25% nervous. But, as I left a deposit, I knew someone was going to get a tattoo either Bram or me.

On the day, Bram created a stencil and put it on my arm while I nervously jittered about. He started up the extremely loud and dentist-ry like tattoo machine and I held my sister's hand. My sister's eyes seem to say, "Last chance". Bram dipped the needle into the ink and the buzz started.

And I was ok. When it started, I felt relief. I was finally getting my tattoo after living in the "should I/shouldn't I" fog for a long time. And it didn't even hurt.

That was until Bram got to crow 4 at the top of my shoulder and the way he pulled on the skin and the way the needle cut, I felt like he was slitting my throat. I had told him I wasn't sure about crow 5 (the one on my chest) when he put the stencil on so when he finished 4, he asked if I wanted 5. After unclenching my teeth after the pain of 4, I said, "Nah, let's just end there".

My sister looked at it from her seat at the other side of the table I was lying on and said, "It's so nice! It almost makes me want to get one.....almost". 

I bled like a crazy person and my white tank top on the left side was spotted in blood and black ink. Bram gestured me to the huge mirror in his studio and I stood up and checked it out. Love at first sight.

*Poke* Ow! Quit it!

The days that followed were PAINFUL. I felt like I had the skin peeled back from my shoulder but not even the pain would stop me from checking out the healing progress and just marveling at the beauty of it all. I also had to dodge my sister and mom from poking me in the arm as it healed.

It's healed beautifully and the worries I had of regretting were for naught.

I can't wait for bare arm season

The tattoo is a sort of tribute to my grandma. My grandma had a pet wild crow that she fed on her deck that she tried to bring into the house one day. The crow didn't want to live in her house so it bit her. My grandma chased it off and stopped leaving bannock out for it. I felt like that crow during my childhood. I also feel that stopping at 4 was sort of meant to be and it feels like it could represent my dad, my mom, my sister and I.

It has a mishmash of meanings to me. However I decided on it because it just looked damned beautiful.

I really want to get another one but I think I'll wait until after I forget the pain of crow 4.